who's yours?

“Our whole lives, it seems, we are only deciding how often and to whom we should expose ourselves. We learn to make a shell for ourselves when we are young, then spend the rest of our lives hoping that someone will reach inside and touch us–just touch us. Anything more than that would be too much to bear.”

-Bill Russell [from Sports Illustrated, June 8, 1970]

It's mind-boggling to me the lengths to which people will go in their desire to be understood [or, antithetically, to consciously avoid that understanding]. Pre-school teachers ingrain in us that each individual is unique; from there on out, we administer any strategy which will allow us to fall in line, including conforming to the norms of those by which we long to be understood.

Even the supposed extreme non-conformist groups, I think, seem to aim for the same understanding, only their vehicle differing from the rest. Said individuals parade around their alternative lifestyles achieving what? Attention. And attention leads to the dissemination of information -- visually, verbally, contextually -- which ultimately creates an understanding. Do not, however, confuse 'understanding' with 'empathy'; because an individual has the ability to grasp a specific concept does not at all mean he or she can relate, either intellectually or vicariously.

What is it, then, that determines by whom we most desire to be understood? Why do we feel compelled to share our lives with certain individuals while others, to whom many times we don't even provide an opportunity, are left in the dark? Do we inherently know who will make the best company?

I think each of us subconsciously seeks our own real-life character foil. Almost by definition this is true: in matters of romance, we preach to find the one who makes us a better person. I suppose this very dynamic could be responsible for many unsuccessful relationships; rarely is the tie of a character foil a mutually-beneficial situation. It's typically one-sided, with the other being a mere tool by which the first can shine. There is, however, a necessity of understanding, which, to some, may be justification enough to forever stand in the shadow.

Maybe it's just a matter of convenience -- finding someone who understands you -- and not feeling obligated to constantly explain the how and why of what it is we're thinking. Perhaps each of us is intrinsically inclined to ease the burdens of our own lifestyles, and in others that are similar we find a sense of relief.

Although it could just be that the overwhelming majority of us walks around each day pretending to be something we're not, attempting to convince ourselves we're going places when, in reality, we've never even taken the time to look for directions, and that person who genuinely understands is able to serve as our outlet, our home, where we feel comfortable to be what we truly are. In this case, the end can certainly justify the means.